confessions outside the box

Parti Quebecois the New Schoolyard Bully

2011-02-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

I was just checking out my facebook feed and the latest postings on a friend's wall were all related to the issue of banning kirpans, raised by the Parti Quebecois. The Supreme Court of Canada ruled that banning 12 year-old Gurbaj Singh from wearing his kirpan violates his freedom of religion, as guaranteed in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. You would think that this issue, once deliberated and the Supreme Court decision made, would be laid to rest, right? No; the Parti Quebecois has decided that it wants to pick a fight in the schoolyard again and so has taken it upon itself and "save" Quebec society from the dangers of religious artifacts.
My friend's wall was filled with impressive opinions between a group of people, all legitimized with valid points. I thought about avoiding this discussion altogether for fear of opening up a Pandora's Box that overflows with opinions and ideas that can be exhausting to address, but I feel strongly about a couple of things and so I am lifting the lid and pulling out these few so that I can feel better about sharing a viewpoint, and so here it is;

1) It is true that religious artifacts can often be abused by some for their own purposes - but then again, religion in itself is often used by some for their own purposes. But this is across the board and not limited to any particular faith, so why are we now drawing a line?
2) In Quebec, the kirpan became an issue when a student was found to be wearing it on the grounds of a private school. As we use the word hijab, synagogue, or kippah when referring to religious artifacts, so should we have always used the word kirpan. Instead, kirpan was immediately labelled as a dagger by media and mainstream society during this time and it stuck. As a result, it leads to a preconceived opinion without the opportunity for one to take into consideration other elements; during the hearings, when a parent was asked how she feels about her child using a protractor in the classroom, or a ruler, both of which can be comparable to the kirpan, which is a replica of a sword but sheathed and not as sharp, she had no response.
3) To forbid the kirpan in parliament - or any government office/building for that matter - is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. Government is meant to be the caretaker of the community - it is government's job to set an example for the public at large. By banning an article of faith based on fear, government is facilitating, and reinforcing, a negative value and fostering intolerance and ignorance. Would it not be more productive for a government to lead as a guardian of society and facilitate a dialogue that guides the population through an understanding of the values and ideas behind certain beliefs and religious symbols?
4) Bank robberies and stabbings are not committed by people because they come from a particular faith; they are committed by people who are deviants of society and will commit the crime with or without the disguise. Should we stop selling masks because they can be used by bank robbers? A deviant is going to commit a crime regardless of whether we control his religious artifacts.
Crazed gunman was responsible for the polytechnique massacacre in Montreal in 1989, Timothy McVeigh bombed a building in Oklahoma City and most recently, Congresswoman Gifford was shot in Arizona.
Stuff happens - deviants will always be deviants...so why nip multiculturalism in the bud? And why doesn’t the Parti Quebecois stop picking fights in the schoolyard?

Carpe Diem and being fabulous

2011-01-31T22:44:00.000-08:00

As always, I sent a heartfelt message to my friends and loved ones for the new year. I should have posted this sooner, but didn't realize how much the simple statement would change my life until last week...and so finally, here it is:

Here's to a phenomenal year ahead filled with peace, prosperity, love, happiness & good health. To 2011; to possibilities & Carpe Diem. Happy New Year!

The last few years have been an interesting journey for me as I adjusted from student life into the real world and navigated myself through relationships with family, friends and foes. Most of all, I kept saying, I will, I will, I will, but never quite got the hang of juggling the different I wills and so not quite all of them became I ams. I think I was waiting for a moment for everything to click, but it never happened; by the time I got the hang of one thing and moved on to the next, I'd drop the ball with the previous one. This can be an exhausting journey, made more difficult by performance anxiety. A part of me has been nervous about putting things down in words because these words give the feelings a sense of actual existence and reality. Instead, I have continued to navigate myself through various stages, making small but meaningful changes to my lifestyle and my perception. And then on January 1, 2011 at 12:00am, as I wished those around me a Happy New Year, I felt overwhelmed by emotions. The most important of these emotions? That realization that the journey is never over, so I can't just sit back and wait for it to be over. I have to be enjoy the process and make it fun along the way and so my heartfelt message was born. I tend to send heartfelt messages to people, but this time, the message felt more important than ever. Since then, I have exchanged words, ideas and notions with many people, and for the first time after many years, I finally feel like the old me; the little girl whose outgoing personality and passionate ideas have promise. The little girl that cared about causes, cared about people, and wants to help make the world a better place. Since January 1st, I have gotten involved with a few projects and the operative terms walking me through all of this are carpe diem - so I can just do it - and fabulous - so I can remind myself that I am. Throw in a few post-its on my washroom mirror, a few heart-to-hearts with the people that matter most, and I am on my way to finding my own little niche in this world.

Here's to 2011 - the year to change and make things happen...

As I Reflect on the Carpe Diem...

2009-11-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

It is November 2009 and I have lived in Toronto for more than a year. In fact, this holiday season will be my second in this place that is now for all intensive purposes, my home. As I realize this, I’ve been thinking about the last year and what I had set out to do when I decided to throw all the material elements of my life into my car and move to a new city with no plan other than to move on and to start living in the moment – carpe diem.

Why did I do this, you ask? Why was it so difficult to “live in the moment” in the safe and comfortable environment that my phenomenal parents had so selflessly built for me? Let me begin with recognizing that very fact; I have been blessed with wonderful parents who, even while being traditional in many aspects, have been unconventional by handing over the keys to their car – the first they’ve ever purchased directly from the manufacturer – and telling me to chase my dreams away from the home they’ve so selflessly built. With such a wonderful upbringing, one would question why I’d want to go to a new place and start from scratch, right?

Upon retrospect, I think that the months leading up to the moment in which I decided I’d pick up and move shaped the attitude with which I packed my bags and set out for Toronto. In my last entry (“Stop Greatness from Chipping Away”), I wrote about how I once felt that I would “be great” some day; about how those around me had said that I had the potential for greatness and that through my experiences and realizations, I lost the hope of become that great person. I think that this hopelessness, this loss of control in my life is what gave me a jaded attitude towards the world and those around me. The biggest realization was “the one in which the illusion of lasting bonds is broken”. This was a toughie and I let go of a lot of bonds that I always thought were too strong to even temporarily damage. So you see; this sudden desire to move away had nothing to do with my family and the home I grew up in. Instead, as an extreme social butterfly, I was now seeing the world in a different light and felt that I needed to just get away. Why stay in an environment where I know so many people and have to go through the same motions on the same streets day after day? Why live around those that knew me as the innocent young girl I had been until recently so that I don’t have the opportunity to be who I had now become, without judgement or pressure to revert back to the girl that I was expected to be? Why live around people that had always had an opinion about the dreams I had innocently shared with them only to be teased and not taken seriously and thus been so weak as to let the dreams go altogether? The more I thought about it, the more excited I got that in a new place, with a fresh start, I can get away from it all; I’d get a new start and get to follow the passions and dreams I had developed. Essentially, the world was mine and I could do anything I wanted! Now do you see where the Carpe Diem comes from? So with my parents’ support (and their car and debit card – definitely one lucky girl), I set off to be the person I wanted to be.

How did it go, you ask? Let’s go back to the start of this blog – I’ve been here for more than a year and will soon be entering my second holiday season. One thing that I’m sure everyone learns at one point in their lives is that nothing ever happens as it should. There have been so many unexpected circumstances and events that have taken place that I would sometimes move forward one step, and two steps back. Sometimes, I’d move 3 steps back without moving forward! That said, it hasn’t been smooth sailing but on the other hand, I’ve also accomplished a lot that I never would have if I were still under the comfortable and protective roof my parents gave me. This past year has been an opportunity to really grow up and catch up in maturity with my years and learn to be independent. I have proudly returned the debit card to my parents (the car will take a little longer – Toronto is an expensive city!) and am learning how to manage life and the people in it.

The last time I went through the few blogs I have posted up, I found a pattern in my writing (other than the fact that sometimes I tend to ramble and that my entries tend to be too long – I’m working on both!). In each entry, I’ve found the same goals and realizations; to write more because I enjoy it, and to take a stand. The underlying meaning in these entries is that I always strive towards becoming a stronger person. The question is, have I? Well, I have moved a few hundred kilometres from the one environment that I was comfortable in and have essentially given myself the opportunity to reinvent myself, to chase my dreams, pursue my passions and to be the person I want to be, but have I done that? The truth is that given the unforeseeable circumstances that would pop up, I would fall off the horse and it would take a while to get back on and so as I reflect, I realize that I haven’t been living in the moment as much as I’d like to say I have. I haven’t lost hope yet though, because I got back on the horse a few weeks ago and the ride has been tough, but I think I might finally be getting a good grip of things. I have committed myself to change things from the core so that it’s not as easy to get thrown off the horse each time. Many wise people have said that in life, you have to sometimes just take it one day at a time, and I think that I’ve finally learned the value of that wisdom. I’ve been taking it one day at a time and the progress is slow, but as a result, I believe that the changes will be long-term and I am finally on the road towards becoming that strong person that lives for the moment and seizes the day. And so with this reflection, I end once again with the proclamation to finally start writing more (it really is the best therapy) and to become a stronger person.

Stop Greatness from Chipping Away...

2009-10-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was driving home from work, like many other days, I felt a sense of melancholy. I had a feeling that nothing was right with my world and that it won’t get better. Slowly, as I had dinner and sat with my friend, we talked it out and the sense of urgency that everything is going downhill, began to subside.

I spent the last couple of hours organizing my closets and putting away my summer things so I had music playing and thoughts running through my head. This led to an inspired moment of peace based on an interpretation of my life; the idea of aspiring to be great.

Like many children, when I was younger, my personality came out strong and I was labeled by those around me as many different things; these labels were predictions of what the future held for me. The strongest of these labels would have to have been the “politician”, the “success”, and the “change in society”. Disregard the intricate details of each label and instead, notice that each of these labels is a promising prediction of how my future self would be. In the eyes of others, my potential was “to be great”. Not bad for a future, huhn? While I could write about how this label might have affected the end result of how I walked into the real world, instead, I’m going to focus on the wonderful concept that I have drawn: Those around me appreciated who I was and believed in me – that I would be great. What an amazing concept...

As I reflect on these labels on my off days, I think to myself that none of these people would have made very good fortune tellers because here I am, with my life out of control and feeling as though my world is in shambles. I’ve been struggling with so many thoughts over the last few months and keep reflecting that over the years, I seem to have lost myself. Granted, one would argue that perhaps I just evolved into a different person based on my experiences in life. I believe that maybe somewhere along the way, that might have happened, but all the same, this evolution was not based on my own terms and so I can legitimately say that I lost myself along the way and have been struggling to find me again. As I matured, I lost myself; this was gradual and started off slowly; the “greatness” chipped off slowly, a layer at a time, until I got to this point where I cannot even go from point A to point B without going through the “What-ifs” and the “whys” and putting myself in a very negative emotional train of thought that spirals out of control by the minute.

So – as I put away all my summer dresses and organized my sweaters, I thought about all of this. I thought of how the potential was once “great” and about what had made it that way and finally, I thought about what had happened for all this potential of greatness to chip away.
As I reflected, I went back a few years. I think maybe it all began when I was sixteen. I was in grade eleven and I went through a loss of innocence, one in which I might have had my first serious experience of having been lied to, and then the consequences that followed. The chain of events leading up to the exposure of this lie, and the events that followed, made me feel a sense of betrayal and of abandonment. This eliminated the notion of good from my mind because suddenly, the perfect world I saw had blemishes and was a hurtful one.

The second phase that chipped away the potential for greatness was stretched out over a number of years; maybe even a decade. I finished college and went into university. I took the classes that fit into the label I’d acquired as a result of being high school president and the community worker; political science. These years were challenging because I developed a love/hate relationship with the subject; there are so many areas one can concentrate on. There were successes and set-backs and so I was constantly fighting an uphill battle. While there were moments of triumph where I was an excellent student with a promising GPA and I was involved in all the right clubs, there were times when I questioned whether this was what I wanted; was I doing this because I was labeled as the politician? Nonetheless, I carried on and I think this also chipped away at my potential for greatness because perhaps the uncertainty of it was because I was not passionate about it; I took a “go with the flow” approach and floated along. This affected my self-esteem because I think that in a way, this made me a follower and so I wasn’t really making up my own mind.

In the middle of this phase, I experienced loss in varying degrees. This was meant to be a reminder of how precious life can be, not to be taken for granted. With the sudden losses my family and I faced, it was difficult to pick up the pieces and we are still reminded each day of what we once had. I should have taken that reminder and held on to it with all my might, but instead, I got caught up in the despair and felt discouraged about life and what the future holds. Mostly, I got stuck in the past and angry at the unfairness of it all and so instead, I remained disenchanted and hopeless, full of despair, which of course means that the potential for greatness was once again chipping away, layer by layer.

Another important phase that I think has been triggering the erosion of this greatness layer by layer is the one in which the illusion of lasting bonds is broken. I’ve spent my whole life giving away unconditional love and support to those that I care about but somehow, it has always come back to bite me where it hurts. I thought that the bond between family was unbreakable and that the bond between friends a lasting one, and then I realized that there are always conditions and circumstances that lead to the breaking of these bonds. This was probably the one phase most responsible for chipping away my potential for greatness. I was suddenly alone; even though there were still people in my life that didn’t break these bonds, I felt – and often still do – that I was all alone in the universe and would have to turn to myself; there was no place to go on a sad day, on a frustrating one, or a hopeless one; I had only myself to turn to with my fears and my emotions. This is a terrible thought; one that I found the most difficult to accept and so I spent time wallowing in despair as a few more layers of greatness were chipped away.

The point is that I started out as an innocent young girl preparing to step into the world and my personality and my take on life was a positive one where to others, I would be the one to take control, be in charge, make a difference and leave a mark: I would be great. But then along the way, I hit a few hurdles and this positive view of the world and life was replaced by one that saw only the negative and it was a feeling that spiraled out of control and started to control my thoughts; I was so busy being sad that I gave up on everything and stopped striving towards being great. I woke up one morning and realized that I had lost myself. I was not living in the present and instead, wallowed in the past and feared the future. Sad and depressing, huhn? I know…what can I say…I let my glass go from half empty to drained. But this whole year, I’ve been making changes in my life. It was a challenging one and there were times when I fell back into this spiral of despair, but I still accomplished a lot. And then it hit me; it’s nice that people saw my potential for greatness, but now, it’s time for me to see it. Who is stopping me from striving towards greatness? Of course, these will be people that will prevent my success, and people that will be hurtful, and days when I won’t want to get out of bed, but all the same, it’s up to me to not let that happen.

I can take the negative thoughts and let them beat me down, or instead, I can carry them with me and recognize that I can still take control over my life and I can control my destiny. I’m not exactly sure how to do this, but that’s okay because this blog is getting too long, but I’ll figure it out and maybe in the next few months, I’ll be closer to that greatness that others envisioned for me. Stay tuned…

Facing Reality

2008-11-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

I started this blog in order to express myself productively and see where it takes me but kind of fell off the wagon for a bit.But last week, I decided it was a new start and I'm suddenly feeling inspired to stick to my original plan - approach life with abandon and do whatever I want to do. And so I recommence the blogging and sieze the day - carpe diem.
I don't have anything specific to write yet, however I have just posted a comment on a blog. Actually, my comment is much longer than the blog itself, but was inspired by it and so I couldn't resist writing the longer version of a short comment.
I'm excited about Obama's win because having read an entry by the author of the above-mentioned blog, I let myself think about the reality of what was going on and how Obama's win - or loss - would affect the world. And so, I posted the following (G - I know that you are reading these entries and be might be dissapointed that I stopped writing and so the excerpt is especially for your reading and entertainment purposes. And don't worry lady; I shall be adding more!):

"I’d been studying politics in university for so many years that having finally finished earlier this year, combined with all the coverage of the Clinton vs. Obama race, and disappointment at the lack of enthusiasm over our own elections in Canada a few week ago, I decided to rebel and not keep up interest with all the debate leading up to Nov. 4/08. On Monday however, I read your short Nov 3 blog (Why Obama Must Win) and I finally let the reality of it all hit me as I allowed myself to contemplate the long-term effects of an Obama win, or a McCain win. Going through the flashbacks you’ve listed, I felt a sudden sense of urgency at the thought of going through all that again.I might convey a sense of naivety by revealing – on an easily available and public site, I should add - that I stopped following the media coverage; however on the contrary, I’ve seen how American Policy affects the world at such an extent. I’m sure that I’m not the only person who feels this way either; recent events have shown us how the actions and decisions of the few can affect the masses and perhaps this is why I – and I believe so many others – might go into a state of denial; we fear thinking about how things can get worse. After reading the Nov 3 blog, I did some internet surfing, watched a bit of television, and had a couple of discussions with others and thought about the consequences of either win, and what the world needs now. As I was thinking about it, I envisioned the possibilities that might come into effect if Mr. Obama were to win; domestically, internationally, economically, socially, etc. – the possibilities became endless and this is when the sudden sense of urgency kicked in and the expression “we need hope” carries so much more weight. The world needs a sense of hope; the road will not be smooth, but that is okay. With the results out only a few hours ago, I feel a sense of relief and have hope that maybe this is only the start of a ripple effect in which a slow change will lead to a better world.

And therefore Mr. Chahal, I thank you for posting this quick flashback list on your blog which popped the bubble around me and made me face and recognize the importance of this new era. I’m not American so it’s not my dream, but I truly believe that this is the start of a new era in which the possibilities are endless – one in which we are always inspired."

A bit much? I suppose it is...but it definitely is true and so I figured that it can be forgiven. And to read the original blog, check out this site: http://blog.chahal.com/
(oh and also, knowing that I am technically incompetant, it is possible that my comment did not get posted all together or that those maintaining the site might have just cut it out thanks to my inabilitity to write less as more)...so I hope you read all of the above.
Until next time...

Scent and Sound: OWNING IT...

2008-07-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I bought a bottle of Cabotine perfume, which I took with me to London...it's quite a strong scent, but when you wear just the right amount, it's got a nice clean soapy/sweet scent. One year, I forgot to take perfume with me altogether, so I picked up a limited edition bottle of Champs Elysees, from a tiny store in London...so anyways...both trips to London were for specific reasons. The first was a trip I had taken for a few months just to get away, so I did a lot of shopping, chilling and some partying here and there. That was the summer of Cabotine. The other trip I’m talking about was actually several months, in which I had to take care of a few things and almost moved my whole life there, and that was the period of Champs Elysees. Wearing those perfumes at those times, and only those, has left a sense of reminiscence, because I only wore those scents during those times. London is a whole other life for me, so coming back here, getting back into the groove of things, has also meant leaving those scents behind; leaving behind the family I have there, leaving behind my little car, the lawyers and accountants, the bank trips, leaving behind the shopping on the high streets, the long tube rides, Old Bond and New Bond streets, the University parties, the Masti Parties...this whole other life was left behind halfway across the world. Coming back here, I'd have to readjust and resign to the fact that life goes on...so back to school, the clubs, the associations, the assignments, the papers, the family...and along with it always came a new scent.

And then suddenly, every once in a while, as I'm going through my drawers, for a split second, I think twice and look back at the practically empty bottles of Cabotine and Champs Elysees. I open the cover of one of the bottles, and immediately, I'm transformed back to that specific trip to London. I am suddenly nostalgic and overcome with an incredible need to be back. Do you see what I'm getting at? Have you ever had that one scent that takes you back to that one moment? I've got this one bottle, Lolita Lempika, it comes in an apple-shaped bottle (my theory is that it represents the forbidden fruit), which takes me back to receptions, dinners, shindigs etc with family and politicians. And it's not only perfume. The same thing happens with other scents; drinks, desserts, coffees, teas, etc.

It also happens with music. I love music; mellow, loud, classical Indian, browntown, etc. I love music and I love to sing (bet hardly any of you knew that) and if any of you have ever been in my car, you know that there's always music playing, and I’m always singing. But just as scent takes me back to certain moments in my life, so does music. Certain songs always connect me to people and moments; the good and the bad. For example, ever heard beautiful day by Bedouin Sound Clash? great song...I decided I liked it last Christmas holiday and so would constantly break into it, and my friend would have to take over b/c I wasn’t quick enough to grasp the tune...so any time that song plays now, I instantly think of her and I send her a text message simply saying, "hey hey heeey, hey hey heeeeeeey, hey beautiful day..."...yes, I know, silly...but back off, this is my journal entry. And so you get the point; certain songs take me back to certain times in my life.

I realized that while reminiscing is a good thing, it can also be a bad thing...and so enters the concept of “owning it?. I'm always listening to music, but some songs stick out more than others because of people, places, situations, moments, etc. For example, a few months ago, I was having a defining moment: in the middle of an epiphany at a coffee shop and suddenly, I heard this song, and it was ridiculously correspondent to my epiphany. It felt like a sign, that I was wrong and this song was contradicting me and telling me I’m a dumbass. The problem is that it was a good song, quite heartbreakingly sad actually (sort of like the pearl jam song, Last Kiss...such a sad story). Eventually, it actually got stuck in my head...so much so that I downloaded it. But then any time I listened to it, my thoughts would go back to the scenario that was going through my mind when I first heard it (which, for the record, was quite serious) and I’d be sad and confused all over again. This is one example, but I have a bunch of others. Music just always takes me back to certain times and places. Unfortunately, with music, I go through different phases, so when I like certain songs, they tend to be replayed in my MP3 player, in my car, and on my computer, over and over. So inevitably, anything that happens during those times will happen as I listen to my favorites of the moment. This is problematic b/c some songs are those which I really like and will probably listen to for years to come, and this is where it gets tough. How do I listen to a song that made me sad without going back to a not-so-good time in my memory? i.e. without having an emotional breakdown?
This is the case for anything. How do I wear that scent without thinking of that sad time in my life? or without wishing I were somewhere else? how do I listen to that song without thinking back to that time, that place, or that person? How do I eat or drink that without thinking of that? How do I go to that place without remembering (FYI: I have not been to Reubens for months). Here's my solution - throw moderation out the window and OWN IT. Wear that scent, eat that food, go to that place, and most of all, listen to that song, again and again, and own it. Since music is the most important element for me, I'll stick to that as an example. Yes, when you listen to that song, it'll take you back, and you might be sad you're not there anymore, or sad that you were even there to begin with. The point is, by feeling that rush of emotions, in a sense, the song owns you. It has the power to take you to a particular time and place and you don't have complete control over your emotions and feelings. But then, if you listen to it again and again, something happens; slowly, you build a bittersweet relationship with the song, and eventually, it no longer owns you. You own it. I've done it; I liked the song a lot, but listening to it opened a Pandora's Box I did not want to open. But then, I listened to it again and again, and the box opened, and it didn’t make a difference to me. In fact, I suddenly faced what it brought up head on, and dealt with it. Of course when I listen to it I still remember the attachment I had to it, but it doesn't matter b/c I own it, so I control it.

My point is, yes, certain sounds and scents connect you to certain times and places. Sometimes those connections might raise unwanted emotions and feelings that you may not want to deal with it. But, by giving in to that notion, you are missing out on the beauty of the scent and sound, thus, you're missing out. By allowing yourself the time to listen to it (or smell it), deal with what it connects you to, and then you will own it. It will be your scent and your sound, and you control it. This is not only for scent and sound. This applies to anything...if you look at the bigger picture; imagine how much life you miss out on because of these connections. Wouldn't you prefer to enjoy them without that inconvenience?
I still connect those scents and sounds to those times, people and places, but I've reached a bittersweet peace with them and can look them in the face. I own the scent and sound, so I'm not missing out on anything; I get to enjoy the little things in life.

As far as Cabotine and Champ Elysees are concerned though, those scents own me. I've got a little bit left in each bottle, and every once in a while, as I'm going through my makeup drawer, I come across them and remove the caps. The scents never fail to take me back to London; the good and the bad. And so in this case, I've made that exception, I don’t want to own those scents; I want to be taken back to those times...so I never forget.

Getting off the roller-coaster

2008-04-07T02:10:00.000-07:00

I've kind of been on a roller coaster lately. I don't have an explanation…not one that I’d like to legitimately share, anyways. But this roller coaster isn’t fun…not for me, and not for those that have to deal with me. Recently, soon after I finished eating all that chocolate ice cream that I spoke of in my regrets and investments entry, I did something that I didn’t think I’d ever have the guts to do. Have you ever had a panic attack? I used to have them a lot. Over the years though, I learned to slow them down so that they don’t take over my very being. I learned to breathe. I remember a few years ago I went into an exam room, extremely well-versed in the art of IR, yet upon sitting down, my mind went blank and my breathing stopped. I had to reach deep into my lungs for air and soon I was gasping and I had to leave, so I got up. The invigilator, being a by-the-rules kind of lady, would not let me leave the room. Fortunately, the TA, who knew about these attacks, diplomatically talked invigilator lady into letting me out. And so he stayed with me outside and helped me calm down. For some reason, that’s the one panic attack that sticks out in my mind the most. I got an A in the class, for those of you that are wondering. Perhaps it was at that moment that I realized that, whatever is meant to be, will be. So what if it’s an exam; I either know it or I don’t; I try or I don’t, I pass or I fail; I pass, then great; I fail, then, well…sucks…but I’ll do it again. And so, that was a turning point and though I had some panic attacks after that, I don’t think they were that bad.And so the story begins…back to where I was; doing something I never thought I’d have the guts to do. There I was, weighing the pros and cons of whether I should take action or not and so I decided that for the sake of my own peace of mind, it was time to take action. Okay no, I’m lying; this was only half prompted by me, and the other half by a friend whose words just kind of stuck in my head for some time. It was along the lines of, “Do it or you’ll be irrelevant?. And so I was on my quest. The results? Utterly disastrous. Beyond disastrous. Nowhere close to what I’d wanted to do or say. It was horrible, and soon afterwards, as I cried, I was struggling to breath. I felt it coming on all at once. The dreaded panic attack. Fortunately, there was a bench nearby so I sat down. I was supposed to meet some friends for ice cream very soon. The crying, the rising panic, combined with the fact that I was meeting these ladies very soon with no desire to explain where I’d been and what I’d done, made it even worse (in addition, I don’t even have to emphasize the embarrassment that came with the fact that I was sitting in a public area and that the doorman from the hotel nearby walked over with a package of tissues by the time my friends reached me in my disastrous state) and soon I was struggling for breath, thinking of nothing other than the irreparable damage I had just done. What was worse is that the outcome was in fact the worse-case scenario I had anticipated; only it wasn’t done the way I wanted to – not on my own terms. So the guts were virtually half-assed. So anyways – as I sat there, wiping my face with the Kleenex given to me by Mr. doorman, half of centre-ville as witnesses to my episode and my friends baffled out of their minds and thus trying to convince me to make an appointment to pamper myself at Spa Diva (which maybe I should actually get around to doing), I thought back to that last panic attack in my memory. I wasn’t thinking of the exam or the invigilator or the TA; rather, I was thinking of what I finally realized that day. What’s the worse that can happen? I’ll fail? And if I fail, then what? And then applying it to that moment, i thought, it won’t be the end of the world, b/c months from now, if not weeks, this one moment – this moment that I may now label as a defining one in my life – may be irrelevant. And while the panic attack did not stop half as easily as I just made it out to be above, I realized that yes, I had failed. But, that’s the worse that can happen. If I failed to make a point, to do what I intended, to extract any type of results that I preferred, then well, shit happens. It’s no longer my loss…in fact; it’s a loss to others. As I write this, I’m kind of laughing to myself, b/c I know, and you know, that I haven’t really chalked it up to my losses and moved on. In fact, I’ve just gotten back on that roller coaster and am now thoroughly dizzy from the movement. Nonetheless, while I may not have accepted it in my heart, somewhere in the back of my head, lost between the various realizations of my visits to London (shall we save those for another journal entry?), and the new passions I have in life, I have accepted that I failed. I’ve failed, and nothing can be done to change that. Do I regret my actions? I don’t think I do b/c while I’m still on that roller coaster; I’ve reached a certain level of peace of mind. Was my friend right to point out that I’d be irrelevant? Definitely right to point it out, b/c it prompted me to do what I did as soon as I did. So having had a horrible panic attack out of the unexpected and accepting that perhaps I did fail, I’ve decided to approach life with a new attitude. In order to somehow slow that roller coaster down, I need guts. Guts to take action and take control over my life when things are not as I want. It’s the only way I’ll get over the overwhelming panic attacks. As a result, I hereby resolve to do the following:
a) Be who I am and say what I feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
b) Stop worrying about other people and their feelings – unless they reciprocate.
c) Stop justifying my actions – I will do what I want, b/c I want. I will not refrain from doing something b/c someone doesn’t like it.
d) I will not let people get in the way of my happiness.
There’s a pattern above; basically, I’ve resolved to live my life on my own terms, not based on the terms of others. Sure, it’s kind of selfish; but then again, I’ve done things for others for a greater part of my life, so perhaps it is time for me to do things for me. So, I need to tell people no, to tell them to mind their own business, to stop being an asshole, to be more considerate of me, to get out of my life, to stop pretending to me…and well yeah, worse case scenario is that my plan will fail. But then again, who knows; it might not, and instead, the roller coaster might slow down enough for me to get off.

to regrets and investments...

2008-03-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted a new journal entry. A lot has happened since then. Let's see...the most important is that I turned 25 *sigh* a quarter of a century old. The other stuff that's gone on can't really be posted, but the philosophic sentiments behind it surely can. For my 25th birthday, my parents surprised me with a very cool digital camera. I was planning on buying myself one, only now I have a better one b/c they paid for it so it's the latest version;) while some might not think the gift itself to be of sentimental value, in this case, it is. I used to take photos and had an interest in photography years ago. In fact, I was the high school yearbook photographer my whole time there. Unfortunately, as I did with cooking, i also gave up photography. Recently however, I'd been thinking of taking it up again - a picture really does say a thousand words. So, my parents, having heard me go on for ages about taking up photography as a hobby again, provided the means to do so. Back to my birthday now I suppose - well, not really, but i need to start the topic and my birthday speech is just the way to do it. My birthday was a black-tie-like formal affair...hehe. I asked everyone to get dressed up for it b/c I thought, might as well ring in 25 in style. Actually, I did it b/c I hadn't been looking forward to turning 25, so this was an attempt to defer all the negative vibes. When everyone finished singing happy birthday to me, in typical me-style, I decided to speak. The speech was about my friends, and how they have truly been inspirational and phenomenal elements in my life, especially in the last few years. As I was speaking, I was thinking about regrets. As I’ve been self-reflecting over the last several months, I’ve fallen into a type of despair - or shall we say disappointment. I hadn't been happy about the decisions I’ve made or the actions I’ve taken. As a result, i began to have regrets.I had regrets about things I’ve done, things I’ve said, but most of all, things I haven't done, haven't said, and haven't had the courage or strength to do or say. I've regretted investments I’ve made, stands I haven’t taken...the list just goes on and on. I spoke to a friend of mine about these regrets, and as we spoke, she made me realize that there should be no regrets. I am where I am, I am who I am, because of where I've been. As I was making my speech, I was thinking back to this discussion with my friend. Because at that moment, I connected this epiphany to an earlier discussion with her. I had been upset about how something was all wrong, and it wasn't supposed to be that way, and she said to me, "Nothing will ever turn out the way you want it to, so you need to accept that and work with what you've got". And so, instead of regrets, I need to accept. And as I say this, I remember a prayer I used to have on a little glass stand in my room, which I’ve somehow misplaced. It's called the serenity prayer, and I remember reading it over and over; and every so often, while running around getting things done, i would pause for a moment and think about it. For those of you that have never heard of the serenity prayer, here it is: God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can;And wisdom to know the difference.It's too bad I misplaced that prayer, b/c it is the type of wisdom I need to carry with me each day. I need to learn that wherever I go in life is a result of where I’ve been. If I am in a good place, then great. But if I’m in a bad place, then I have to learn to just accept it and figure out how to move forward to where I want to be. I need to chalk it all up as a lesson learned. And I kept thinking about it...how do I move forward to where I want to be? How do I change where I’ve been, or not regret where I’ve been and why? The only answer I (and my wise friend) could come up with is investment. Time is very precious and so must be wisely invested. There is no point in investing my time and energy into something that may make me turn back one day and think, why? Why am I here? So instead, as I go back to the serenity prayer, I think that it's true, I need to truly accept the things that I cannot change, such as the past, and therefore not dwell on regrets, and I need the courage to change the things that I can, thus, take a stand and do what I know will make me happy and leave me with no regrets in the future, and finally, the element that is most important, I need the wisdom to know the difference. Unfortunately, one cannot predict whether an action will provoke regrets or happiness...and so with the above said, I have to figure out how to tell the difference between things I can change, and things I cannot; things I will regret, and things I will not regret. I suppose that it doesn’t really matter at the moment whether I know the difference or not, b/c though I’ve spend a whole journal entry talking about regrets, acceptance and investments, I have yet to actually follow through on any of it. I sit here and write about it as though it’s a breeze, but as I have experienced in the last few weeks, it is easier said than done. Sometimes, it is really hard to accept the truth, and so the illusion that everything will be just as we want it to keeps us going. We strive towards that end-goal, convincing ourselves that nothing will go wrong; that it will all go according to plan and end on a good note. And then suddenly, one day, it just catches up and we finally let ourselves out of our bubble and realize that no, it wont happen. And that is where the regret comes in; why did we do this? Why did we not do that? Why did we invest so much time, so much energy, and so many feelings into this? We shouldn’t have done this; we should have said this, etc etc. As a result, we may find ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place as I have. Do I sit here and regret it, yet carry on? Do I sit here and regret it, yet stop? Or do I just consider it a lesson and move on to better times?I’ve decided that I need to stop having regrets. I am where I am, and I am who I am, because of where I’ve been. I need to accept the decisions I’ve made and I need to differentiate situations that can be in my best interests, and those that will only hurt me in the end. Unfortunately, there is no way to figure that out, and thus, I end with a quest. I may have run in my 25th filled with regrets and fears; however I will certainly not spend it dwelling on why I’m here. Instead, I shall drown my sorrows in chocolate ice cream for a few days, or maybe even weeks, and then I will hopefully snap myself out of it and try to move on. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, and stay tuned for the next entry…

Reckless abandon...

2008-03-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have this poster on my kitchen fridge. It’s Instructions for Life by the Dalai Lama. I don’t know if it is actually from the Dalai Lama; I think it was actually a frwrd I received in my email inbox one day and thought was worth printing and hanging onto. Sometimes, as I’m waiting for something to heat up on the stove, I stand there reading the 19 instructions, and I’m touched each time. It’s all common sense, yet it takes a great person to adhere to these instructions. I was actually going to have it laminated for some friends a while back, but I never quite got around to it.According to the Dalai Lama, the final instruction for life, instruction #19, is the following: Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.For some time, I’ve tried to live up to the first part of this instruction. I love with reckless abandon…but in a limited sense. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last couple of years, it is that life is short. You never know when something significant might happen and you won’t have the chance to tell those you love that they matter. I’ve met many, many, many people, and they’re all cool…but only some of them are those that are there for the long run. And those people are the ones that I’ve decided to love with reckless abandon…unconditionally. That said, I think it’s time to move on. Most of you reading this know that when I love, I really love, and it is reckless abandon. So, the important topic of conversation to follow is the rest of the Dalai Lama’s instruction 19: cooking with reckless abandon. I’ve always loved to bake…growing up, I think I baked more cakes and cookies than any of you combined. I even took courses…after I discovered that there are more things out there to bake other than cookies and cakes in the wonderful world of grade 8 home economics, I even took classes. That’s right; I think my mother paid good money for me to take some evening courses with old women in pretty dresses and aprons, with their hair done in perfect little bobs. I remember being the youngest in the class, not yet 16, with these women smiling at me and then looking over at my mother saying…awww, how cute. Those classes were interesting. I learned that all ingredients in baked goods should be room temperature…once mixed, goods should be put in the oven right away so that they are cooked well…and, did you know that even after you pull something out of the oven, it continues to cook for minutes to follow?? Who would’ve known?? Anyways…I’ve lost focus; back on track. I read this book during my trip to India. I bought it on Portobello road in London while shopping with my cousin. The book is an amazing piece of work that I’ve read a number of times, and each time I do, it brings me back to the Dalai Lama’s instruction about cooking with reckless abandon. It’s about feelings and cooking. You know how some people work out to relieve their stress? And others like to draw, or read, or shop? Whatever it is…people like to deal with things through distraction and outlets. I’ve decided that cooking with reckless abandon is my outlet. In the last month or so, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Though I baked when I was younger, in the last 6 or 7 years, I can’t say that I’ve cooked unless it’s been out of necessity, due to cravings for sweets, or unless it’s for friends. But, I remember I came back from a trip to the states last month with a lot on my mind. I’ve been stressed about things that are going to change in my life in the near future, things that have taken place, and everything in between. I couldn’t sleep…so I decided to cook. I went into the kitchen and decided to make Indian food, which is also something I’ve cooked only if my mom’s told me to. When I usually cook, I’m always cautious with the spices; afraid of adding too little or too much. But this time, I didn’t care. I just cooked. I added this, I added that, I stirred; I added more…I just kept cooking…and throughout it all, all the nonsense that’d been bothering me just kept running through my mind. And I carried on; I cooked, and I cooked. It felt good to just cut, chop, mix and stir; and all on my own terms. Add whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and have complete control over what I was doing, yet no control at all. I could add and not add whatever I wanted, meaning I had complete control, but yet, I could not yet completely control the taste of what I was cooking. I’ve finished school until summer session – tomorrow – and I’ve done a lot of cooking and baking during this time off. I’ve been upset with someone and not sure at all how to deal with it, so I decided to cook. I’ve been angry, frustrated, and more than anything, sad and disappointed, and I’ve decided to cook with reckless abandon to deal with it. It hasn’t solved the problem, yet it’s let me release my tension, not to mention, it’s made my family very happy ;) And of course, I cannot leave this entry without at least a bit of emotional baggage typical me-style ;) This book I’ve read, it’s about trust, anger and forgiveness…and there’re a lot of analogies to emotions and spices. Throwing the anger, the sadness, the disappointment all into the pan, and just stirring and stirring…it does wonders. Perhaps this instruction by the Dalai Lama to approach love and cooking with reckless abandon go hand in hand for a reason. I love with reckless abandon…yet there will always be setbacks to this and thus, when I cook with an equally reckless abandon, I have found an outlet to feel what I am feeling.